Baking A Cookie Is Harder Than It Seemed

Hello Again!  As promised I am dedicating a blog post to Matt and I's struggle with growing our family.  The following post will outline what Matt and I have gone through and how emotionally taxing it has been on me at times.  But I do have to state that through everything, no matter how hopeless I may have felt I always reference our future children with a "When I get pregnant" or "When I am pregnant" statement.  That is because I simply refuse to believe that Matt and I cannot or will not conceive our children.  Chalk it up to my stubbornness but I do believe that I will conceive.  That said, I wanted to share this with all of you so you have some idea of what Infertility can do to a person physically and emotionally.  I also wanted to share this with any one who may have gone through, or who currently is going through the same thing.  Infertility is a disease but it does not mean that we have to give up hope.  I hope you enjoy my post or if nothing else, at least know where we're at in our Cookie Making process.

Two years and 8 months ago, but who's counting, Matt and I decided to expand our family of two. The first year was mostly full of excitement and anticipation. I couldn't wait to be a mommy. By the end of that first year, however, the excitement and anticipation was replaced by worry and fear. I never thought that I would have a problem getting pregnant. So Matt and I went through the battery of fertility tests. For the woman, by the way, these are not fun. When I went to my doctor at the end of all of the tests I was excited to see what the problem was so we could fix it and move on to getting pregnant. That was not to be. My official diagnosis after those tests was "Unexplained Infertility". Now you would think that being told that everything came back normal and that by all accounts you were perfectly healthy and capable of becoming pregnant would be good news. That is not so, I was devastated, because to me not having an explanation meant that I wasn't just broken but that there was no explanation for why I was broken. The doctor recommended clomid. For those of you who don't know what that is, it is an ovulation drug. Now I had charted my cycle religiously after about six months of trying. I KNEW there was not an ovulation problem. I decided to forgo the clomid. I did this because I knew it wouldn't work and because I believed, from what I had been told, that I probably just needed to relax. I was worrying for nothing. So Matt and I kept trying. We kept trying for another year. Towards the end of the first year and all the way through the second I began to experience excruciating pain with my period. (Sorry for any TMI) Other things began changing with my body as well and so I told my doctor. Her response was to tell me that it was just my body changing. I knew this wasn't so. I switched doctors and he also told me not to worry about the pain, it was normal for a woman's body to change. I switched doctors 3 times before I finally got one to listen enough.  She first wanted me to take the clomid.  So I reluctantly did so for 5 months.  During my 3rd cycle I called the nurse after my blood work and she told me what my progesterone levels were.  I don't remember the number exactly but they were hi.  So she tells me, "That is very good.  We wouldn't be surprised if you were pregnant now."  For a woman who is trying to conceive, and especially for a woman who has been struggling with infertility, these are the most amazing words you could ever hear.  The next day I got my period.  I was devastated and beyond angry at that nurse for getting my hopes up.  So I trudged on for another two months, unsuccessful at getting pregnant.  It was after this that my current doctor finally recommended something other than drugs.  She wanted to do a Laparoscopy. This is a minimally invasive surgery that takes a small camera and looks inside a woman, to make sure there isn't anything going on that they otherwise wouldn't be able to see. After that surgery, I learned that I had endometriosis.

One quick thing you should know about endometriosis is that doctors believe that birth control, controls the symptoms. So I only began experiencing symptoms after I stopped taking it. Simply put, endometriosis is a condition where the lining inside a woman's uterus, and that she sheds each month, grows outside of her uterus. When the woman then begins to shed the lining it sheds inside her body and the hot blood hitting her internally causes a lot of pain. The only way I can describe it is to say that when this would happen to me, it hurt so much I could feel the heat from inside radiating through my abdomen. After each episode would finally pass I would ache for the entire day and barely have the energy to brush my teeth.  Endometriosis can be quite debilitating.  It can also be a cause of infertility. 

So, I finally had a reason for my inability to get a bun in the oven.  After my follow-up from the surgery my doctor recommended that I see an infertility specialist.  Two things made this recommendation lucky.  One, we live in a rather remote area of New York, so the possibility of there being an Infertility Specialist in the area was slim.  Hudson Valley, where we happen to live, has ONE Infertility clinic and it is only a little over an hour from where we live.  In comparison to how far some women have to travel to get treatment, this is very close.  The second lucky factor is that only 15 states mandate their insurance companies to provide Infertility Treatment coverage.  New York just happens to be one of those 15.  If you are interested in why there are only 15 I will reference a blog I currently follow.  She has done some amazing research and is very passionate about pushing for Infertility to be recognized as a real disease and not just something that happens.  http://hannahweptsarahlaughed.blogspot.com  She is also the creator of the "What If" video I posted to my Facebook page last week. 

Ok, back on track.  I made our initial appointment with the infertility doctor and anxiously waited the month until my appointment.  When it finally came the doctor reviewed Matt and I's medical history and the results from the previous years tests.  Because the tests were so old, in medical terms, he wanted to do fresh blood work from both of us.  He knew that the Endometriosis was the main cause of my infertility but wanted to make sure that Matt and I's levels were still within, make a baby, range.  So we had the blood work and waiting another month.  When we went back he told us what the first doctor had told us, everything looked great.  He believed that I may have a very minor minor ovulation problem and that I would just need some assistance to get that in line.  He recommended IUI treatment.  IUI is when the woman takes hormones for 10 days and on the 10th day they induce ovulation and wash the partners sperm and insert it directly into the uterus.  This enables them to control every aspect of the process.  Our doctor told us that he didn't have any major concerns as to why the IUI would not be effective.  I was beyond excited.  I finally had my hope back. 

The doctor told me to call the pharmacy a week before my next cycle to order the hormones and we would start our first treatment!  I received my hormones and made my appointment with the doctor for my baseline readings.  The doctor did an ultrasound to check everything before I started and that was when my hope fizzled out again.  He found a cyst on my left ovary.  He was concerned about the size.  He was going on vacation for 2 weeks so I was going to have to go on birth control anyway until he returned.  He said to take the birth control and we'd check when he got back to see if it had shrunk.  I took the birth control and waited the two weeks, but I knew it would still be there.  Intuition and because cysts can cause women pain.  At the end of the two weeks the cyst was still there.  My doctor did not feel comfortable proceeding because the hormones could over stimulate the cyst and cause problems.  He wanted me to go back to my gyno to discuss possibly having another laparoscopy and removing the cyst.  I've cried a lot during these past few years and I've wondered why God was punishing me, but that ride back to work I was angry at God.  I was so angry that he had gotten my hopes back up and then dashed them again.  But once again I pulled myself together, I made my appointment with my gyno and just kept going. 

First I want to say that asking an infertility patient to wait, even for just a month, is cruel.  The doctors don't do it to be cruel, and when I'm thinking rationally I know they don't.  When my gyno asked me to take the birth control for another month and a half I thought I was going to collapse.  The emotional roller coaster that you go through when you are going through infertility is unbelievable.  At times, I didn't know how I would stay sane.  Each month the sadness that followed realizing that I wasn't pregnant was all encompassing.  I have lived and breathed my infertility.  No matter how much I try it is always there.  Most of the time I'm fine.  I function normally, I'm happy and I'm going on with my life.  Then something as simple as walking past a maternity clothing store sends me into an emotional mess.  Never mind what seeing a pregnant woman can do.  The jealousy, sadness, anger and frustration is more than I can handle sometimes.  I manage by meditating but mainly because of the amazing support Matt gives me.  I feel bad when I come home and just sob into his chest and I know he wants to fix it and doesn't know how.  So he does what he knows best, he says something completely ridiculous that just snaps me out of it.  Often it leaves me looking up at him giggling and thinking, "what?!"  But it has the desired effect and he brings me back out of my hole.  Without him, and my family and friends I couldn't do this.  Having a support system is so important if you're going to survive the infertility journey. 

I am finally going back for my follow-up ultrasound next Friday.  One of two things will happen.  One, the cyst is still there and I have another Laparoscopy.  Two, and the one I want the most, it is gone and we can proceed with the IUI treatment.  The waiting is the worst but I continue on.  I keep believing that I will conceive and that all of this is just God's way of showing me just how strong I am.  I will conceive and when I'm in that hospital room holding my baby for the first time, all of the struggling will be worth it.  That is what I keep believing because the other option just isn't acceptable to me.